We devote enormous amounts of energy and time to creating noise and distraction in our heads to numb the troubling thoughts and voices that rob us of our peace of mind. But, unfortunately, the fear of silence is killing us. Some storylines repeatedly repeat, causing so much mental anguish we will do anything to get rid of them in our minds.
Tragically suicide for some is a way of permanently ending those thoughts. However, we should not be afraid of the quiet because, in the silence, we can discover who we are and how we can deal with the heartache we face in life.
My own story is I lost touch with the presence of God in the clamor and commotion of the world. I knew Christ, but my heart felt a million miles away, separated and distant from His love. I knew the reason for the separation. I used the constant drone of noise because I was afraid of what He may say to me. I was trying in vain to hide the darkest secrets of my heart from being found out. I feared the exposure of my failures, self-sufficiency, pride, and sinfulness.
Of course, the issue was not God finding out He already knows everything, but it was my unwillingness to admit and confess my struggles to myself. I was evading the truth that could set me free. I was trapped listening and obeying too many voices except the voice of God. My self-talk and the world’s attraction drove me deeper into an isolated and lonely existence. In denying my fear and pain by not being honest with myself, I created far more suffering and pain than I could ever imagine. I had removed myself from the source of life and the love of God, thinking I could direct my life better than God. I closed off my heart from the presence of God.
Instead of a heart to listen to God, I allowed the world to extinguish the flame of the Spirit. I not only needed to listen to God’s voice but be honest about my inner struggles, pain, and heartache. I needed to take ownership of my fears and failures. I had to be honest with myself before I could be honest with God. I was listening to the destructive voices speaking to me, so I had to learn how to quiet those distracting voices to hear the voice of the Spirit. The reoccurring thoughts and negative conversations in my head created the struggle of maintaining intimacy with God.
I discovered I am only as honest with God as I am honest with myself about identifying, confronting, and dealing with my feelings and struggles in life. If I deny the darkness of my thoughts and feelings, I will never live in the freedom of the light of God. If I am unwilling to let the light penetrate my night, I will live with unresolved conflict within myself. However, when I confront the darkness and insecurities of my heart and trust in the infinite love of God, I find peace of mind.
When I acknowledge my powerlessness and weakness, I find God waiting for me. When I offer Him my brokenness, I walk through a door into His presence. The door is always open, but the key to life is exchanging my heart and life for His life. Spiritual growth is not holding and clinging on to life, but letting go of our lives into the hand of God. I now live with the awareness I no longer live life separated from God, but now with the enlightenment that my whole being is in union with God. My weaknesses and failures no longer separate me, but faith and love bring me back into wholeness with God. I must lift the veil of secrecy that clouds my heart and thoughts. God’s love chases away the clouds of darkness over my soul and gives me peace in a troubled world.
Reflection:
What parts of your life do you try to hide from the light of God’s love?
What are you afraid of exposing and being honest about in your private world? Is the problem God’s or yours?
Where are you prone to self-rejection?
What are you hearing from God right now, do you hear anything?
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